Most of my
readers will be aware that I will soon be releasing Dance of Chaos, a prequel
to Gift of Continence.
The book follows our intrepid heroine, Fiona MacDougall,
both in the workplace and at home with her dysfunctional family.
To give you an idea of what Fiona is
like, I’ve decided to let her speak for herself. So without further ado, Fiona
MacDougall in her own words:
AT WORK
On career planning: “What I really
wanted to be was General MacDougall, interstellar saviour of the universe.”
On dressing for success: “….if you have
a job where your dress is going to keep blowing up around your waist, you can’t
very well have tatty old knickers.”
On work ethics: “I got in by nine every
morning and only took an hour for lunch, except on Thursday when I had to go
shopping.”
On personal responsibility: “I often
think it’s unfair that I get the blame for so many things.”
On subject matter expertise: “You’re
always safe if you say something really vague.”
On photocopying: “How was I supposed to
know you had to put the stuff in upside down? And one page at a time?”
AT HOME
On gardening: “I hate gardening, bits of
earth always get under my fingernails; anyway, that’s what other people are
for….”
On fashion: Velvet attracts a lot of cat
hairs. You’d think if the cat was the same colour as the clothes that they
wouldn’t show, but they always do.”
On entertaining: “White robes aren’t
really the best thing to wear for dinner at our house.”
IN THE COMMUNITY
On being arrested: “I knew from the
movies that I would be allowed one phone call…. it would be better value to
ring someone long distance.”
On church work: “After I spilt a bottle
of Brasso all over the altar, my services weren’t in such demand…. how was I
supposed to know you were supposed to take the candlesticks out the back to
clean them? They looked heavy, and I had my fingernails to consider. The Brasso
ate a big hole in the curtains that go round the front of the altar, but they
weren’t very nice ones anyway, sort of a mouldy olive green colour. I found
some super red ones which I put up instead, they were much nicer and went well
with the carpet. I don’t know why Father Simpson wasn’t more pleased, I suppose
he must be colour blind.”
On university life: “…. We were both
asked to leave, although how on earth I should have been expected to know that
you weren’t allowed to have animals is beyond me.”
PHILOSOPHY OF LIFE
On relationships: “It would only give
him silly ideas if I started running after him, ringing him up and so on. Best
to stay with my usual habit of not returning his first six calls after he
dumped me. That was guaranteed to result in flowers, chocolates and a really
good night out….”
On dealing with trauma: “I wanted to
cry, but didn’t, because I knew with a horrible certainty that no one would
notice.”
On ethics: “I felt the truth was just
too sordid and infra dig for public consumption. As, of course, truth nearly
always is, and that’s why we have manners….”
On aesthetics: “If there’s one thing I
can’t stand, it’s women who look better than me.”
On religion: “You mustn’t walk on a
grave or your teeth fall out. Besides, it’s not respectful.”
On the Law: “….apparently if you say
something and someone else relies on what you said and does something because
of it that turns out badly for them, they can sue you.”
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